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‘Expat Wives of Shanghai’ Category

  1. Expat Wives of Shanghai, Episode 4

    May 11, 2011 by admin

    Still hungover from the “Whirling Dervish” party BinBin threw at her new tudor style villa in Qingpu, Jen, drinking a mimosa, is desperately trying to remove the last bits of black kohl eyeliner from her eyes and dialing Trinny on the speaker phone.  “Trin, it’s Jen, how is your nose?”.   “Oh Jen, you can’t imagine dear, I’m afraid it’s broken and you should see the bruises around my eyes, it’s almost worse than when I had my last face tuck, I’m tempted to head over to that tart’s house right now and punch her light’s out!”.   “Trin, that girl was just trashed, she was dancing her most serious ‘Dervish’ and I’m afraid your face just got in the way”.  “I beg your pardon”, Trinny blurted out, “I was simply coming out of the loo when she clocked me!!  And anyway, getting hit in the face still beats last year’s party where the theme was Carpenter Songs from 1968-1973, by  the time they got to We’ve only Just Begun, I wanted to gouge my eyes out with my cocktail toothpick!!”.   Jen, now in complete shock says, “whoa, are you kidding me, that was the best party ever.  “Sing, sing a sooong, sing out loud, sing out strrrooooong’, oh I just love the Carpenters!  I just got really upset that night because I begged the DJ to please play their version of Rainbow Connection and he said NO because it wasn’t recorded until 1979!”.   Her face hurting even more, Trinny hangs up the phone without another word spoken.

    Trying to shed those last 10 pounds after giving birth, Belle suggests to Lisa they walk over to Madame Mao’s store on Fumin Lu to see what new things they have and then grab a bite at the Vietnamese place, Pho Real.   Breathing a little heavy, Lisa spurts out, “I’m really sad Malina is moving back home, she’s become such a dear friend and we’ve been through so much together.  I really can’t think of another person I know better”.   Belle, keeping her same pace, “oh, I know, it’s hard being an expat when your friend’s all end up leaving you.  Where is she from?” .  With a few seconds passing Lisa finally replies, “oh I can never remember, it starts with an L, um, yes, it’s Lichtenstein or Luxembourg, it’s definitely one of those places.

    Don’t miss Episode 5 where Svetlana’s diamond ring flies off her finger (and right out the window) when her taxi driver slams into the back of a government official’s Audi.

    And to think I can’t find a wedding dress here…

  2. Expat Wives of Shanghai, Episode 3

    April 15, 2011 by admin

    Realizing she’d taken her last Xanax…just last night…Jen called Parkway Health to get an appointment for another prescription.  Construction had started on the apartment next door and her nerves were frail, “I’m like a hummingbird caught in the middle of a Chinese New Year’s fireworks celebration”, she thought to herself.  “Sorry, we booked today, doctor see you tomorrow afternoon”, the office assistant told her.  “But you don’t understand, this construction has been going on for a month now and I’m about to lose my mind!”, Jen said, her voice starting to quiver, “I work out of my home, I can’t concentrate, are you listening to me?  I’m a real BLOGGER”.  “I’m sorry madam, we fully booked, you at 4pm tomorrow”, a hard SLAM was the last thing the young girl heard.

    Over at the Bund, Trinny was taking in the views on the Huangpu River with her friend from London, Peony.  “I can’t believe how these Chinese girls can walk all over the place in those heels??  My feet are killing me and the driver’s just barely dropped us off!”, whimpered Peony.  Trinny already tiring of the two solid days they’ve spent together suggests they stop for a refreshment.  “Pee, let’s jump across the street to that Dolce & Gabana Bar and get a cold martini, I know for sure that they use real Grey Goose there”.  “Lovely idea darling, it’s hot and this humidity is really putting my Brazilian Blowout to the test, we can always go to the  Rock Bund exhibit tomorrow, I’ll wear flats…and my hair in a chignon”, huffed Peony as she tried to avoid 20 scooters coming her way. Trinny, now annoyed, had promised her friend Liza, the gallery curator,  she’d stop  by this afternoon to view the latest Li Xun installation.  This highly acclaimed exhibit featured robotic monkeys who could not only light, but smoke cigarettes which had ancient  Chinese sayings handpainted on them by the children who lost their homes in the Chengdu earthquake.    However, as they brought her the third martini, with three enormous olives stuffed with blue cheese, she again found herself laughing and enjoying the company of her old mate.

    Stay tuned for Episode 4 when Eliza, Gib, Danka, Tslinka and BinBin throw Malina a going away party with a “whirling dervish” theme.

  3. Expat Wives of Shanghai, Episode 2

    March 12, 2011 by admin

    Svetlana has found herself yet again attending the Ladies of Britain Expat Club’s, Tuesday night drink fest at Yesterdays Pub.   “How zey can eat dis bad food without washing first down wiz vodka?!!”,  she wondered to herself, “and dis champagne give me headhurting”.    Spotting Trinny by the front door, Svetlana rushes over, “Trinny, I must go now, too much bubbly”.   “Oh that’s too bad darling, we’re just getting started.  We’re planning on heading over to Glamour Bar to give those Shanghainese girls a run for their money on the dance floor!   Dear, before I forget we’re organizing a trip to the fur market next week for our pillow-making class.  Everyone’s doing Fur pillows this winter”.   As she’s heading out the door Svetlana yells goodbye and answers, “I already have polar bear pillows from Siberian market, and I don’t like sew, zanks”.

    Trinny heads over to join Jen and Pipi, “that Svetlana is a dear but did you see those shoes?!  She must be shopping  at Yu Gardens again!?”.   “Yes, I truly like her as well but she’s a whopping clod in our Yogalatis class, my lord”, adds Pipi while gulping down her Black and Tan like it was St. Patrick’s day.  Jen, feeling left out as usual, nurses her annoyance with another Gin Twist.  “Fu wu yuan, FU WU YUAN!  Oh why did they pick the hardest word for waitress!  It’s so annoying!”.   “Honestly darling, what has gotten your knickers in a knot these days??”, Trinny chimes in trying to break the tension.  “em, well, I told Carlton I was thinking of heading back to Cornwall for a week because I wanted to discuss a facelift with a good doctor there and he said without a second to waste,  ‘Go ahead dear, that’s fine with me’…now why would he say that??”.   Not one to hold things back Pipi adds, “well he’s either being extremely supportive love, or he’s got his eye on that nanny you just hired, hehehe!”.

    Stayed tuned for the next episode where Jen follows Xie Li down Huai Hai LU where she stops at a lingerie store.

    Dum, Dum DUM!

  4. The Expat Wives of Shanghai

    March 7, 2011 by admin

    Season 1, Episode 1

    Still fuming from the argument over her yoga membership, Trinny was fit to be tied by the time she met up with Svetlana and Jen for lunch at the Bund.  “I’ll have a vodka martini with olives” she chirped, “no, no, no, I said, V.O.D.K.A  M.A.R.T.I.N.I, (in a whisper) I don’t understand why they still don’t know what that is??!!

    “You’re in a mood” quipped Jen, “is this about your Ayi quitting on you?”.   “Worse!  The handle just broke off my new Louis Vuitton handbag I bought at the fake market, these things aren’t cheap you know!”.   “Dis happen to my fake Chanel bag too, I scream at them til they give me new one”.  “Oh, Svetlana that’s just horrible, you know, I think a little trip to Bali is in order.  We can do a detox!  Well, I mean detox until 6pm when of course it’s time for our first glass of wine!!”

    Stayed tuned for Episode 2 when Jen finds out she wasn’t invited to the language exchange at Coffee Bean.

    Natalie and I used to fantasize about what a great addition to the “Real Housewives” a Shanghai version would be.  The things you deal with everyday are just different here and you can’t really explain it.  But then I think about the poor camera crew trying to follow people around and tripping on exposed wires, falling in an open manhole and for sure getting mowed down by a scooter carrying 1,000 lbs of water, 4 couches or 20 tanks of flammable gas and it’s just too crazy to think about.

    Anyway, in my “real world of Shanghai” my dear, sweet fiance (I pronounce it fee on chay because it sounds more Italian) makes me the best cappuccino’s ever and I never know what foam art I’m going to get.

    Spoiler Alert:  He used to work for Disney